Anu Raj Rana(s173len05)-Prompt 2

The bright side

At times, all that there is to life is nothing but uncertainty. A vast ocean of possibilities. There were five of them- the oceans. Five times the infinite possibilities, though five times infinity is still infinity. Never mind, if a little mix of philosophy and mathematics made one feel good, what harm it could it do? , she thought as she entered her office in Edinburgh. She had completed her Masters in Finance from London and was now in Scotland starting her first job ever. She might always feel so strange in this part of the world where she might spend the rest of her life.

She hopped onto the bus and five minutes later and when she rummaged through her purse to get money for the ticket she couldn’t find any change, that’s when Rashid held out some change to her and said,” pareshaan na hon, abhi main de deta hoon”. Turning sideways she looked at him, Rashid was tall, had a round face and a wore square-shaped frames on his elegant nose. She wondered at his uncalled for intervention and rightly confused as to why he was doing this .When she asked him how would she return him the money he let a smile in a stretch saying, “thoda nazar desk se zaaya karke dekhti aap toh maloom hota ki aap ki hum same office mein kaam karte hain”.

A kind and amiable person, but did he have to be so smart? She thought.  Back in India she had too strongly imbibed the privilege and pride that came with being good at English but now that she was in a foreign land she seemed to think,” banda chahe jaisa bhi nikle Hindi toh bolta hai, idhar itna hi kaafi hai.”She, who had been brought up to be wary of strangers and never receive any favours from even good friends, felt a kindness in those words that made her debut to the world of unaccounted trust.

She introduced herself,” I am Anandita and I work in the Accounts department, you?”

“I am Rashid, from HR department, been here for two years now.”

“Thank you so much, Rashid. I have not really been myself today, once I get comfortable with the surroundings I will get better with the social interaction part.”

“I am sure, that will be it. Yaar, yehi toh humara zimmaa hai, ki sab employees workplace pe comfortable rahein.”

Yaar? That cozy salutation of Hindi lingo, this is him imposing his friendship on me. Why do I mind one though it would be great to have someone share the mutual love for Bollywood even if he is not one of those pretentious intellectual wanna

“Accha, fir kal milte hain lunch break mein”

The next few days at the office both of them went for drinks after work and Rashid would at times drop her to her flat hoping to invited there sometime. He didn’t expect anything or work towards anything romantic with Anandita but it seemed a bit weird to him that she would never ever call him to her place even for a coffee or so. It was lovely being friends with her but how can a friendship restrict itself to only professional life, he liked to create more concrete and deep reaching bonds. Anandita, on the other hand would always be confused about taking any initiative at all because she always thought that men too readily catch hints, especially where none existed. This came from her deeply entrenched cynicism of people and she had lost many potential friends having gone with these thoughts. She was trying to make a life for herself and prove her own worth to herself, always asking that question about herself- what am I worth?

In Spetember, there was a tour from the company for the Annual Meet in New Delhi and Rashid along with other Non-Indians applied for the visa, he had been in Scotland since he was a year old.  While everyone else got their visa stamp with a week or so Rashid hadn’t received his visa approval even after a month, this irritated Anandita and when the flight to New Delhi was only two days away, she met Rashid and took him to have lunch at her favorite Indian restaurant in the city. ‘Zaika, The Mughlai Kitchen’ was popular among Southwest Asians there, most of them Indians and Pakistanis.  Anandita called  the waiter,”Chaar butter naan, mutton rogan josh aur yellow dal kar dijiyega” and then she told Rashid about her plans in India,”dilli se hum sab familywaale Jaipur jayeinge do din ke trip ke liye aur uske baad main dilli se hi waapis aa jaungi, agar tum aate toh tumhare saath dilli ke har mashhoor jagah par khaate! Jaane kyun tumhare visa lagne mein arsa lag raha hai?” Anandita had started confiding in Rashid and considered him a true friend, she couldn’t answer if they would go farther than this friendship stage; these things come by themselves, it’s like a bolt of lightning, it strikes the time it does and there is no use speculating, and then cringing when they don’t go one’s way. Rashid, for the first time could grasp the intensity of compassion she had for him, for a moment he was gaping like a frog, and then realizing his stupid composure he said,” munaasib hai ki Mom and Dad Pakistan se hain isliye India ka visa lagne mein itni dikkat ho rahi hai.” Mom and Dad Pakistan. These words stung Anandita like a bee, woahhhhh!! Iske maa-baap Pakistani hain? And the basic logic- agar maa baap Pakistani hain toh unka beta bhi Pakistani hua na?. She felt so removed from Rashid right now, this little knowledge had brought a world between them, not that anyone from Pakistan had inflicted any harm upon her or her family or she was some hard-headed Indian herself who was willing to die for the country; it was only that when she heard in the news that Pakistani army was killing Indian soldiers he felt that she owed that hatred for Pakistan to them. The worst part was that he hadn’t received even a grain of his being from his parents’ country and still she ended up doing so much of guesswork.

Then she kept thinking about this because the greater truth was that she knew she owed something to Rashid too, at least more than what owed to those soldiers and something that was of more value than hatred.

“Tumne kabhi bataya hi nahi ki tumhare Mom Dad Pakistan se hain”

“Kyunki who 23 years se idhar hi rehte aa rhe hain, ab Scotland hi unka watan hai, and what do you think ki Pakistan se hone kisi aur mulk se hone se badtar hai? udhar bhi insaan baste hain tumhari, meri aur humare Ammi-Abbu ki tarah”

“Lekin tumhe pata hai ki India aur Pakistan ke beech dushmani chalti rehti hai, border par itni aankhein dikhaate hain ek doosre ko”

“Mujhe sab maloom hai, Anandita, lekin uss jagah ke logon se hi dushmani hai aisa sochkar dono mulkon ne gavaaya hi hai”

“Main tumhari baat samajh rahi hoon Rashid, lekin aisa hi hota hai har jagah, Pakistan mein jaakar toh koi Indian waapas aane ki bhi guarantee nahi hoti.”

“Anandita, agar tumhare liye yeh sach itna kuch badal deta hai toh mujhe maaf karo ki tumhein andhere mein rehna pada”

He wasn’t angry. Rashid could not be ever angry, for him either people were good or deluded, there no “bad” category of people. But friendship, love, compassion, humanity were sacred for him and he liked to walk away before people could feed hate into him against these things. Therefore, being hurt as he was, he just gathered enough courage to say,”I guess I will have to leave for my Uncle’s home, they have their silver jubilee function today.”  It wasn’t an excuse, but he left earlier than he would have if this thing hadn’t spoiled everything.

They left the restaurant together and Anandita was already half-regretting what she had done but she knew that unless she doesn’t resolve this conflict inside her then talking to Rashid or clearing things out would simply be a moment of peace and not mending of earlier situation. Lying on the sofa of her bedroom, Anandita confronted a valid question: What change did this little knowledge bring to her relationship with Rashid? He was pissed at her, for sure. But before that? She felt that the possibilities that had started opening in her world had somehow been aborted by a new slice of information. She introspected and rebuked herself to be politically correct only on social media while when it came to her own life she was a devoted to the same conservative spectrum which has turned the world into a room of fear. She had hurt friend for nothing and that guilt was hard for her to go. She has been plain stupid and she called Rashid up and invited him over to her flat.

Rashid had not ascribed any ills of human nature to Anandita, for him, people reacted badly at times even though they know the right thing in their heart, what is problematic is that they hold onto that bad reaction and make it a case for their ego to stick to that; in the process, they mould themselves into something they are then force to identify with. Rashid entered her flat and she lead him to her room and handed him a wrapped packet. Rashid opened the packet and inside of it was a jersey of Manchester United, his favorite soccer team. Rashid was gleaming with happiness and he said,”Shukriya, yakeen karo mujhe yeh dekhke itni khushi hui hai jitni shayad isnke jeetne pe bhi nahi hoti” and he went to giggle for minute. Anandita, unexpectedly gave him a hug and said,” tum mere sabse acche dost ho, shayad aaj agar main yeh bewakoofi nahi karti toh khud nhi jaan paati ki meri life mein tumhari kitni ahemiyat hai.” Rashid was placid and gentle, he gave a warm smile.

“Isse humari pehli ladai samjho Anandita, you are just a victim of hate propaganda but please, jab bhi nafrat aur mohabbat mein se ek chose karna ho toh mohabbat chunna. Shayad koi faayda uthaaye tumhare pyaar ka, magar fir bhi apne aap se kisi ko apnaane ka mauka nahi cheennaa chahiye.”Rashid tried his jersey and told Anandita to take a picture of him. She was simply surprised that this was a man who had given all of himself in this friendship and how could anything so sacred be wavered by illegitimate hatred between two countries.

Weeks went by and Anandita came back from India. She didn’t call Rashid immediately as she was exhausted from the continuous travelling but she telephoned him the next day. Rashid suggested that they go for a run. Anandita wasn’t much of a cardio person but Rashid loved getting out on the streets and making unwarranted routes, metaphorically, he lived a new life everyday in doing that, at least thinking that made him happy. All of a sudden things had changed and now it was Anandita who wanted to knit a world out of their little moments. As they reached backed to the flat, Anandita made a request,” Rashid, I want to meet your parents, take me to your place”. She thought that it wouldn’t be much of a thing but Rashid seemed a bit uneasy for a moment, it could that he was sweating after a long cardio and it induced itch or something, Anandita was now all positive and looked at things from the brighter side. “Darasal,  hum ek saath nahi rehte….mujhe maloom hai ki tumhe jaanke hairaani ho rahi hai aur shayad gussa bhi aa raha hoga par samay aane tum sab jaan  jaogi” , Rashid’s response came as a shock but Anandita knew that Rashid was not such a person that this secret whatever it was could be, was not harmful in nature.  Months passed and she did speculate about the secret, a lot. Eventually she was beginning to accept Rashid with that secret and it was a part of them. Though, what ‘them’ meant to her and what it meant to him was different. For, her it was slow and peaceful like a paper-boat that would somehow make it to the shore, only that paper-boats don’t make it to the shore, they are dreams of childhood. On her birthday, both of them were drunk, they had pizza, went for a jazz musical performance and finally, glass after glass they had four glasses of whiskey each. Something took  over Anandita and she sat on Rashid’s lap facing him, it was not happening unconsciously for she knew what she wanted to do but now it only very easy. She brushed his hair backwards with her fingers and they would each time fall on his forehead, then she pulled his hair lightly and kept holding them, and after taking a heavy breathe she kissed his head. A smile on his face. A signal for her to go on. She put her hand on his eyes and kissed his lower lip, then she kissed him on his mouth but the moment she felt that he was begging to respond, Rashid gently pulled himself away and got up. He knew nothing could make it comfortable so he said, “I am sorry, I can’t, I hadn’t ever…”and he just went out of the flat. For another two days Anandita didn’t go to office and the third day when she went she saw Rashid at his desk. He didn’t look fine at all, he was sad indeed. During lunchtime Rashid came to her and sat by her side. They shared a joke or two about the office but the hollow within them could be heard in their fake laughters. Before leaving he handed over letter to Anandita saying,” raat mein padhna please.”

“Hi Anandita

Tumhe yaad hoga jis din tumne Mom Dad se milne ko kaha tha. Uss din maine tumhe kuch nahi kaha kyunki tum sach se kuch bhi kam deserve nahi karti. Well, tumhein mere bare mein eh cheez nahi maloom hai, ussi se sab judaa hai. Paanch saal pehle main London mein kaam karta tha, wahan mera ek colleague tha Ray. We realized how we felt about each other and confessed it. Yes, I am Gay. We were madly in love with each other and wouldn’t miss even a day’s dinner with each other. One day, Mom and Dad came to surprise me and Ray opened the door. I was in the bedroom, asleep and all naked. What is more, if there was any doubt he went down and asked the man on the ground floor who confirmed the nature of our relationship. I was still asleep and was woken up by my Dad hitting Ray with a broken iron grill, I pounced upon him and he hit me hard. It hardly took him a minute to make Ray collapse. After he went, spitting on me and him, I called the ambulance and took Ray to hospital, after he became conscious he was furious with Dad, woh Dad ko arrest karane ko keh raha tha. I told him that I am going to harm myself if he did anything like that. Ray was obviously furious at this and he called me ‘coward ‘. He was disappointed in me, I too was.

Tabse hum dono alag ho chuke hain. Jo humare beech hua maine kabhi socha bhi nahi tha but when you kissed me toh ek pal k laga ki shayad yeh ho sakta hai lekin doosre hi pal meri naakaamiyon ne mujhe sahi raasta dikha diya.

There is no one closer to me than you are.

I would to have you in my life. If you too feel so then lets have coffee this evening.

-Rashid

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