Nanna

“Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.”

“Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.”

“Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.”

*

“Sadaf, bas, bas, bas. Chalo utho. Abbu ko sambhalo, chalo. Aise kaise ro rahi ho? You need to be strong for Abbu, na. Chalo. Go to him.”

“Sadaf, ye kya ho gaya Ammi ko dekho. Bulao unko. Nanna ko bulao, shayad tumhari awaaz sunn kar uth jayein.”

“Sadaf! Nanna, dekhengi tumhe aise toh unhe kitni takleef hogi, unko takleef thodi deni hai. Chalo, munh haath dho ke aao, mamma ko help karo jaa kar.”

*

“Zain? I know you don't want to talk to me, but please...”

“Sadaf, I told you, no exceptions. I need my space.”

“Zain, nanna ka inteqaal ho gaya. I need to talk to you, please.”

“Sadaf, I'm sorry to hear that, but I told you already, no exceptions.


*

“Abbu?”

“Hmm?”

“Dafn kitne baje hai?”

“Apa ka wait kar rahe hain, bas voh aa jayein.”

“Abbu?”

“Hmm?”

“Hum bhi chal sakte hain kabristaan?”

“Sadaf, tumhe pata hai, women are not allowed dafn ke time. Plus, I don't think it's a good idea. Tumhaare liye na qabil-e-bardasht ho ga.”

“Abbu, but I just...hum bas...okay, maybe you're right.”

*

“Sadaf, beta, kuch khaa lo. Please.”

“Bhookh nahin hai.”

“Sadaf please, don't be unreasonable. It's already hard enough.”

“Abbu ne bhi toh nahin khaya hai. Jab who khayenge, tab I'll also eat.”

*

“Sadaf, jaan, you need to stop crying.”

“Sadaf, please uth jao ab. Nanna ki qabr par itna rogi toh unko kitni ziada takleef hogi.”

“Sadaf, uth bhi jao. Chalo, we need to go.”

*


“Syeda, I can't stop thinking about her. All alone, qabristaan mein. Ajeeb si ghabrahat ho rahi hai.”

“Ghabrahat toh hogi hie, but hey, she was in pain, not anymore. Remember that.”

“I know, it's selfish to think of my pain, but it's hard you know? Towards the end I was also praying for jo bhi unke haq mein behtar ho, but I didn't realize she'd leave so soon.”

“Sadaf, she was in so much pain. She couldn't even talk anymore, kitni bebasi hogi. Ab at least she is relieved from all of that, you know?”

“Hmm.”

*

“Ammi ki firoze waali anghoothi hum le rahe hain.”

“Tum sab bachiyaan ek ek choori le lo Ammi ki.”

“Ye ghadi puraani hai, Ammi ki roz marra wali thi is ko...”

“Hume de dijiye.”

“Par beta, it's very worn out.”

“She used to wear it roz-roz, I'll take it.”

*

“Sadaf! You've been absent for the past two weeks, and now I catch you sleeping in class, what is wrong with you?!”

“I had a family emergency, Ma'am. I am sorry, it won't happen again.”

*


“Sadaf, you look so tired. More than usual. What's going on?”

“Nothing much, just started a new show, 90210. It's so good! You need to watch!”

*

“Your school called, you were caught sleeping in class again?!”

“I just slept late last night, sorry!”

“Sadaf, what is it? Is something the matter?”

“No, was just reading this new novel.”

“Theek hai, but ab se dhyaan rakhna.”

*

“Syeda, I can't sleep.”

“Kya hua?”

“I just keep having this nightmare where she's being tortured in her grave. It's too vivid, and then I wake up. Uske baad I'm just too scared to close my eyes.”

“It'll pass soon, Insha'Allah. Don't worry.”

“Hmm.”

*

“Sadaf, tumne subha se sirf cold coffee pee hai, lilah kuch aur kha lo.”

“Bhookh nahin hai, Mama.”

“Aise kaise chalega, you'll end up hurting yourself permanently. Please kuch kha lo.”

“Acha, abhi thodi der mein.”

*

“Sadaf, tum tiffin mein kya layi ho?”

“Pizza. Tumhe chahiye?”

“Obviously, ye bhi koi puchne waali baat hui?”

“There you go.”

“All of it? Are you sure?”

“Haan, I'm not really hungry.”

*

“Sadaf, why are you crying?”

“Appi, you really forgot what day it is today?!”

“I remember, I was hoping you wouldn't.”

“How could you even think I would forget her birthday? What's wrong with you?!”

“It's just that I knew you would get very upset, and it hurts to see you like this. Please stop crying, we'll go and get chocolate ice cream, with nuts, just like she liked it.”

*

“Sadaf, you haven't written in a while.”

“Yeah, I know. I just don't really have the time, you know?”

“Achaa, aisa kya kar rahi ho jo itni busy ho?”

“Too many books to read, and TV shows to watch.”

“Haha, that is true!”

*

“Appi, is that nanna ki aqeeq waali angoothi?!”

“Haan….”

“How did you get it? What the hell? Aapko kisne di?”

“Mamma ne di thi….”

“MAMMA!”

“Sadaf, there is no point creating a scene. Bachon ki tarah se matt behave karo!”

“Mamma, aapne Appi ko kaise de di?”

“Usko choori se nightmares aa rahe thhe, she couldn't wear it, so humne angoothi de di.”

“It wasn't yours to give! Hume bataya bhi nahin?!”

“Sadaf, it's just a ring. Calm down.”

“If it's just a ring for you, you might as well give it to me.”

“Kya farak padta hai, kyun itna agitate ho rahi ho?”

“FARAK PADTA HAI!”

“Sadaf, come back here!”

*

“What are your plans for Eid guys? Well, jo bhi hain, you're all coming to my place.”

“Umm, guys, I'm not really celebrating eid this year. You know, umm, because of Nanna and everything.”

“I remember, Sadaf. Obviously! I thought you'd feel better with all of us!”

“You're right, I'll drop by!”

*

“Sadaf, your phone is ringing. Come out of your room!”

“It's Eid! You cannot spend all of your time locked up in he room, bahar niklo!”

“Hum eid mana nahin rahe hain, iska matlab ye nahin ki we shouldn't be together! Abhi toh it's even more important to be together, chalo bahar aao!

*

“Zain? I know we haven't talked in so long, but everything is falling apart. I really need you. Please?”

“Sadaf, we can talk , but things can't be the way they were before. It's just too much drama with you, you know?”

“Drama? Zain, Nanna was hospitalised on my birthday, I was losing my mind do you understand how scarring that was? I was losing my mind. How is that drama?! You know what she meant to me.”

“I understand all that, Sadaf, but sabki apni apni problems hote hain, you can't constantly break down and expect be to care each and every time.”

*

“Sadaf, phir tiffin poora waapas. I thought we were over with this. Are you slipping back to your condition?”

“Mama, stop saying condition. It's not a big deal.”

“Sadaf, anorexia is a big deal. You either eat, or you're not leaving this house except for school.”

“You cannot be serious! You're blackmailing me! How is that fair?”

“I don't care. Eat, or you're grounded.”

“Ground me, I have no where to be any way.”

*

“I tried to write today, Syeda.”

“And…?”

“I just broke down. I can't, I just can't.”

“I undersatnd, Sadaf, but it's almost been a year. Life needs to go on. You need to move on.”

“Move on from Nanna, really?”

“Sadaf, you know that's not what I meant. I just….”

“I started writing because she made me. Woh hume kahaani tab tak nahin sunaati thi, jab tak hum unko nahin sunate thhe. She is the one who made me start writing all those stories down. You know that!”

“I know, Sadaf. But iss tarah kaise chalega. Tum na so rahi ho, na kha rahi ho, and na likh rahi ho!”

“I know I sound like a child when I say this, but who bhi toh ye sab nahin kar rahin. Syeda, how can I be happy, when I see her in my nightmares every fucking day, being tortured?! Tell me!”

“Sadaf, I am saying this because I care, you need to get help.”

*

“So Sadaf, did you keep a journal throughout the week like we talked about?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Let me see.”

“Well, see you're writing too. That wasn't so hard.”

“It was but….”

“All I see is a stubbornness, you don't have any issues. I mean ye sab problems thodi hain, you're just being quite dramatic.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am a therapist, and I deal with people with real problems every day, and what I see here, is just a drama queen.”

*

“Abbu, I don't want to go to Dr.Bose anymore.”

“But I thought you wanted to go to a therapist.”

“I did, but she's not good.”

“Nonsense, she is such a renowned therapist. So many people recommended her.”

*

“Sadaf, we're going to take your blood now, okay?”

“Hmm?”

“Dr.Zaidi, you do realise we ideally need to file a report for such attempts.”

“I realise that, but I would be very grateful if you made an exception.”

“Of course, anything for an old friend like you. Just please dhyaan rakhiye iska. Aaj kal ke bachhe stress le hie nahin paate, kamzor hote hain becahre.”

*

“Mama, I'm going for a sleepover to Roshita's, okay?”

“Sadaf, aaj nahin, kal chali jana.”

“Kya mamma, sabka jab aaj ka plan hai toh hum kal kaise jayenge? And aise bhi, aaj kal mein kya farak padta hai?”

“Aaj nazr hai, yaad nahin?”

“Nahin, aaj kis cheez ki?”

“Tumhaari Nanna ki aaj birthday hai, toh Tahir ne socha tha ki sab log mil kar nazr kar lenge.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot.”

“Sadaf! Language!”

*

Syeda, I forgot her birthday! God, I'm forgetting her. I've been so caught in my life that I just...argh!”

“Sadaf, come on. You've had so much on your plate come on. Galti sabse hoti hai.”

“I know, but I barely even think about her. That's not okay. I mean, I was her favourite, she loved me so much, and look at me, two years, and I've already forgotten. God!”

“Yar, I don't know what to say….”

*

“Hello, Sadaf?”

“Adaab, Appi! Kaisi hain?”

“Hum theek hain, I just wanted to ask you if you were coming for Nanna's barsi?”

“Oh shit, haan, parson hain na? Nahin, iss bar toh nahin ho payega. Mid sems aa rahe hain, too much work.”

“Achaa, okay.”

“I need to go, Appi. Sorry, I'm out right now.”

“Okay, Khuda Hafiz.

“Khuda Hafiz.”

*

Note: Nanna, was my paternal grandmother, contrary to what the name suggests, because it is typically the calling of one's maternal grandmother.

Glossary:

Inna lilahe wa inna ilahe raj-e-oon- A verse of the Quran recited upon the death of someone. It translates to, “We belong to God and to Him we shall return.”

Nazr- A Shia Muslim practice of praying for the deceased over food.

Majlis- A gathering for mourning.