Rabail Motihar - End Sem Assignment and Self Reflective Essay

Prompt Number 3: Using 2000 to 2500 words, write a short story in which one or more locations around the city of Delhi play a crucial role in your narrative.

First Love and Other Such Magic

MIRA

“Excuse me, you can’t just cut across. We’re all waiting in line.” Said an irate voice.

I looked up from my phone to see who was being chastised. There was always that one mother in the PTA who would be the annoying moralistic preach who judged you for not being like her. The kind who would pretend to be supportive of the working mothers, but actually judged them on the inside. The social butterfly that was the mother’s version of mean girls.

The woman in question had an irritatingly sweet voice that only served to strengthen my prejudice. Expensive handbag hanging from one elbow, school forms clutched tightly in her manicured claws and expensive blonde highlights framing the shoulders of her floral-patterned dress- she was the vision of domesticity and snooty South Delhi stereotypes. I shuddered as I thought back to my own mother’s experience at the school. These things were especially intrinsic to this institution. I caressed Bela’s head absently, as I imagined her in the checkered red and white frock that was the uniform for kindergarteners- the same one I had worn for my first year. She looked up at me and smiled nervously. I mentally planned a mother daughter photo collage of her first day and mine in the same uniform. I was still smiling absently when I heard his voice.

“- it’s alright, we’re all adults, Devika.”

I froze. It was funny how a voice could easily transport you back a decade. Trembling slightly, I leaned out of line and peered at the second couple from the desk.

The couple was busy in conversation and hadn’t noticed. That was surprising since my heart was hammering loud enough for everyone to hear.

“No, this is Convent of Jesus and Mary, love. They can’t just let anybody in. We’re only getting Alia in here over Sri Ram,” she announced loud enough for everyone to hear, “because we believe in certain principles and line cutting isn’t one of them.” Devika huffed loudly. The man next to her, who I was guessing was her husband, still had his back to me so I couldn’t quite say anything yet.

Could it be- was it him? After all this time?

I found my feet taking me a few steps forward. Bela looked at me in surprise, but I barely registered.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this. I’ll only be a minute.” He said apologetically, holding up his phone to Devika. She frowned but consented. He stepped out of the line and as he turned, my heart stopped beating. Our eyes met and my heart plummeted into my belly with a rush equivalent to being dropped from the 10^th floor. It was him. It was him.

JAI

Standing inside CJM felt all sorts of wrong. My inner Columban felt all his questions being answered about the mysteries that lay beyond the forbidden gates. Having grown up in the boy’s school, St. Columba’s next door, I was never allowed to set foot in these sacred grounds and couldn’t believe that after all this time, here I was, getting my own daughter admitted in the institution.

After all that girl chasing adolescence, knowing how young Columbans were, I made a mental note to keep an eye on Alia’s friend circle when she hit her teens. I shook my head clear of the paternal instincts that were hijacking my brain and went back to thinking about my own school/

My reverie and reminiscing, however, was broken short when Devika started attacking a mother who had inched into the line, before us. Irritated though I could have been seeing as I was missing a meeting to be here, I found myself trying to calm Devika down.

“Excuse me, you can’t just cut across. We’re all waiting in line.” Devika snapped as politely as she could.

I rolled my eyes as the other lady responded, “I have a meeting to rush to, I’m sure you can understand what it’s like to be a working mom.”

Devika opened her mouth to respond but I took her hand. No one needed a stressed Devika early in the morning. “Don’t react, Devika. She’s right and it doesn’t matter, anyway. We have all day.”

“But this sort of rule breaking is just teaching the kids wrong things. We’re setting bad examples.” She said irately, shooting daggers into the lady’s back. I mentally prayed to God to keep the woman safe from Devika at PTM’s.

“The children are too young to understand much anyway. And their take away should be, how to not make an issue out of everything. It’s alright, we’re all adults, Devika.”

Devika opened her mouth to respond but my phone rang at that very moment. Saved by the bell, I thought to myself.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this. I’ll only be a minute.” I said apologetically, holding up my phone. She frowned but acquiesced. As I stepped out of line and turned to walk out of the room my eyes fell on a lady who had stepped diagonally out of the line too, as though she had moved towards me. As I registered her face, my heart stopped. It couldn’t be. It was her. It was her.

MIRA

I wanted to move forward but I felt rooted in place. “Jai?” I choked out.

“Mira?” he whispered, still standing there. His phone hung loosely forgotten in his grip, still ringing.

Time seemed to be moving at a different rate. I don’t know how long we stood there, frozen. I hadn’t seen him in years. As I struggled to process the onslaught of memories I saw my mixed emotions mirrored on his face. Our entire life flashed before my eyes- memories I hadn’t gone back to in ages resurfaced as though they’d never left the recesses of my mind. I was forced to consider they never had. The emotions that surged with them, had my head spinning.

“Mummy?”

I looked down to find Bela staring up at me, her face brought reality flooding back into the bubble we seemed to have entered. Bela. My job. My house. Arjun. Arjun! I mentally slapped myself. Composing myself in the next few seconds I took a step forward.

“Jai! Oh my god!” I said with what I hoped was a pleasant cool laugh.

“Mira! Wow. Oh wow.” He said as he hugged me.

A wave surged through me the moment I was in his embrace. I felt myself lose track of time again as I felt enveloped in the familiarity of his cologne. It was only when I felt a little tug at my pants that I drew back immediately. The hug was longer than we intended.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, still visibly disoriented.

Devika was watching us now. I could feel her being torn with indecision – should she hold onto their spot in the line or join her husband to assess this new woman who he had hugged with such familiarity and was clearly so pleased to see.

“Well, same as you.” I grinned, ruffling Bela’s hair, much to her annoyance. His eyes followed my gesture and as he looked at Bela, his expression shifted visibly, reality catching up to us.

JAI

The first thing I noticed about her was the fact that her eyes were the same as her mother’s. As I got down on one knee to meet her, I remembered that I had always hoped any kid of ours would get them.

“This is Bela.” She said, messing her daughter’s hair. Bela glared at her mother irritably. I had to struggle to contain a smile. I had seen that expression directed towards me for the better part of almost five years. I knew that expression better than the back of my own hand.

“Hi, Bela. I’m Jai.” I said to her solemnly.

“Hi Jai, howdoyoudo?” she asked me, her words strung together like the elemenopeeqyooar of a child rattling off the alphabet. Alia was in a similar stage but Devika wasn’t going to let her be there for much longer.

“I’m good. How are you?” I asked her.

“I’m finethankyou.” She replied. After a pause she asked me, “How do you know my mommy?”

Before I could reply, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Devika, a blank questioning expression on her face, her other hand rested protectively on Alia’s shoulder.

I got to my feet with a small chuckle. Impertinent and to the point, Bela was truly her mother’s daughter.

“Jai is mommy’s friend from back when she was in school.” Mira replied to her daughter.

Friend indeed, I thought to myself as I introduced Devika to Mira.

“Devika, this is my wife, Mi- no sorry, I meant this is Devika my wife and Devika this is my friend Mira.” My face flushed with embarrassment.

Devika gave a polite smile as she shook hands with Mira. The two of them appraised each other, wondering how they fit in with me. Devika knew Mira was my high school girlfriend.

“This is my daughter, Alia.” I said, pulling her forward.

Mira smiled, “Hi Alia. This is Bela.”

“Hi Bela.” Said Alia quietly.

After exchanging pleasantries Devika turned to me, all business, “We should get back in line and you had a call to take?”

I nodded and indicated to her to carry on. When she left I turned to Mira, “We have so much to catch up on. Unfortunately I need to take this call but I’ll see you after this paperwork is over?”

I waited for her to say no, that she was busy or make up some excuse. But none came. She smiled warmly, “Of course. I’ll see you outside later.”

With that I turned away and left the room, redialling my colleague, my thoughts immersed in a history I thought I had left far behind.

MIRA

I stood there shivering after he left. I pulled Bela back with me to our spot in the line. Thankfully no one argued about cutting. The line that had originally seemed so long and tedious, now seemed to be taking even longer. I couldn’t help but keep going back to that hug. I smiled at the idea of seeing him again in a bit. I would be seeing a lot of him, I realised, since Alia and Bela were in the same school. Devika would probably be there too, I realised. How had he married someone like her, I wondered. In retrospect I realised it was better if she was there. It would do me good to remember that he was happily married.

As Devika and Alia got done with their work, they left the room without another backward glance. Jai hadn’t come back in. My heart sank as I entertained the possibility that he might have left for work already.

By the time we reached the head of the line and submitted the forms, I was convinced I was never going to see Jai again.

When we stepped out of the dingy administrative block and into the sunlight, Bela ran out ahead of me. I yelled after her, “Don’t run so fast Bells!”

“Just because you don’t have an athletic bone in your body is no excuse for you to stop her.”

I turned around to find Jai leaning against the closest pillar. He looked so out of place to me in my school scenery.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” I grinned as I punched him in the shoulder.

He smacked me back with a playful grin, “How have you been?” he asked me tilting his head to one side the way he did when he was serious.

“I’ve been good.” I smiled, “You?”

“I’ve been good too.” He smiled.

“I can see that.” I responded distractedly.

Bela was now peering into the pots searching for lady bugs. No matter how many times I told her she wouldn’t find them in January, my optimist of a daughter persevered nonetheless.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked me.

“Well, you’re married and all, with a kid and here getting admission..” I trailed off.

“Well the same can be said for you.” he said a little defensively.

“Yeah, not really.” I replied, holding up my hand to show him my bare ring finger.

Jai’s expression was one of utter confusion. He looked towards Bela and then at me.

I laughed and explained, used to this situation, “I didn’t feel the need to marry her father just because I was pregnant.”

JAI

I stared at her, “You’re serious?”

She smiled at me, “I would never joke about this.”

“Yeah you wouldn’t..” I said. She could see me putting two and two together in my head. She answered the question that she knew I was too polite to ask.

“And why didn’t I have an abortion?” she asked, after making sure Bela was out of earshot.

“No, I didn’t mean-“ I started but she cut me off.

“You know I could never hurt any life form. And I definitely couldn’t give away a baby.” she shrugged.

“Yeah, we talked about this when..” I trailed off.

We both knew I was referring to the time we had a pregnancy scare when we were nineteen. We were young and terrified, but she had made herself clear that she would never abort a baby and I had promised to stand by me no matter what she chose.

“So, is her father in the picture?” I found myself asking as we walked around in the warm winter sunshine.

She unbuttoned her sweater and took it off, her face upturned to the sun, a soft smile on her face. She looked like art to me in that moment- incredibly rare, beautiful and beyond my reach.

“No, he’s not. Not in my picture at least. I have custody and he has visitation rights. We work it out amiably.” She replied nonchalantly.

I gave a low whistle of appreciation, “Doc sahib must’ve blown his top when he found out.”

“Oh, he did.” She said, smiling at my term for her father.

“And speaking of in the picture, where did Devika and Alia go?” she asked me.

“I sent them home.” I replied, looking determinedly at my feet.

“Devika’s not what I imagined you’d end up with.” She said after a moment.

I looked up at her, “Nor did I.” I said quietly.

Our eyes were locked together in a gaze that was intense enough to burn down the world. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bela move and the moment broke. We both turned to look at her.

“I promised to take her to Mc Donald’s for lunch.” Mira said, “Are you in the mood for a happy meal?”

I grinned at her, “Always.”

MIRA

To an onlooker, we looked like family- mother, father and daughter. Except that we weren’t. We were an odd bunch of people who had no business being together, yet here we were heading to lunch like it was the most natural thing in the world. We had considered walking to Connaught Place since it was practically a stone’s throw from our schools but then I would have had to come back for my car, so we decided to drive instead.

“It feels so strange to be on this side of the roundabout.” Jai had remarked as we walked to Sacred Heart Cathedral, the Church that separated his school from mine. There was a round about that stood in front of the church from where the girls turned right and the boys turned left. Anything else was just blasphemy.

As adults with jobs and kids of our own, this feeling was childish but I couldn’t help but agree with him. It was rather strange seeing him walking on the girls side of things.

As we got into my sedan, he joked, “I never thought I’d be getting in a car with you.”

I rolled my eyes but Bela spoke to my defense, “Mommy drives well.” She said solemnly. That shut him up for awhile. He knew better than to mess with a protective six year old. I was forced to remember he had one of his own.

“How long have you and Devika been married?” I asked him as we drove.

He thought for a moment, “Seven years.”

“That’s a long time.” I said, “No relationship of mine has lasted longer than a year.”

“That’s not true.” Jai said.

I realised then that I hadn’t counted my relationship with him. That had been my longest- five years. It was funny how that wasn’t much lesser than the duration of his marriage with Devika.

As we pulled into a surprisingly empty parking space in outer circle, Jai turned to Bela, “What do you like to eat?”

As she rattled off a list of things, I smiled. He helped her out of the car and lead her to the restaurant while I searched for change to give to the parking attendant. By the time I entered, they were already in line, ordering.

“What did you guys get?” I asked them.

“A little bit of everything.” Replied Bela promptly, “I told him you’ll only take fries and that wasting food is a bad thing but he didn’t listen to me.”

Jai pretended to look hurt as she threw him under the bus.

I laughed and ruffled her hair, “It’s okay we’ll make him eat all of it, come let’s go wash our hands. Will you find us a table?” I asked him.

“Of course.” He smiled.

As we stood there washing our hands Bela asked me, “If you and Jai are friends, why haven’t I met him before? We meet Arjun all the time.”

I smiled wistfully, “Jai had left the country lots of years ago so him and mommy couldn’t be friends anymore. But he’s back now it seems so we can be friends again.”

Satisfied with her answer, she dried her hands and ran out to join Jai.

JAI

Bela wasn’t as talkative as her mother, she chose to keep to herself. I figured she got that from her father, though I couldn’t imagine Mira with someone quiet either. Mira was all life and laughter and loud. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out, I mused to myself.

True to Bela’s prediction, Mira stuck to her fries.

“I was hoping now that you’re older you’ll eat more than just fries.” I teased her.

She rolled her eyes at me as she popped another one in her mouth, “Fries are timeless.”

The conversation flowed naturally as we talked.

“Did you ever end up finishing your novel?” she asked me.

“I did, actually. I’m waiting to hear back from publishers, actually.”

She stared at me in surprise, “Oh that’s wonderful! Congratulations! What is it about?”

“Thank you.” I said, chuffed that she remembered. I mentally slapped myself for thinking she wouldn’t. “You’ll have to buy it yourself and find out.” I grinned as I stole a fry from her tray.

“How’s your painting coming along?” I asked her.

“I don’t paint as much anymore.” She shrugged wistfully.

“Why not?” I asked her.

“Well, it’s hard enough with a taxing job. Then all my free time goes into taking care of this one.” She said, as she rubbed her nose against a fed up Bela. Bela clearly hated being touched and coddled. It was rather unfortunate that she was stuck with Mira who was big on all things touchy feely.

“That sucks.” I said.

“When did you come back?” she asked me as we stepped out of the joint with ice cream softies in our hands.

“I came back about five years ago.” I replied.

“Alia was born there?” she asked.

I nodded.

“And you met Devika there?”

I shook my head, my entire focus on the ice cream.

When she didn’t reply, I looked up to find her staring at me. I knew she wanted answers. I knew I was scared to give them.

“I met Devika when I came back for vacations in between.”

“Were you guys in a long distance?” she asked me quietly.

“Not exactly. Sort of. It’s complicated.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“Well, I met her through family. My parents set us up.”

She stared at me incredulously, “Arranged?” she asked softly.

I nodded, “We actually ended up liking each other..so yeah.”

“Wow.” She said.

“I know.”

Of all things, this I hadn’t been prepared to hear this wasn’t one of them.

“Why?” she asked me.

“Because after we broke up, I couldn’t find anyone.”

MIRA

“Do you have to go?” I asked him.

“It’s a good offer, Mira. It’s the break I’ve been waiting for.”

We were both sitting in Inner Circle in Connaught Place, surrounded by throngs of happy people. Christmas spirit was in the air. With the setting sun a chill was settling. Or maybe it was just me, as my heart sank to the floor. He was going.

“We knew when I applied, that I might get in. We knew this could happen.” Jai said, trying to get through to me.

“Yes but that was just the possibility of you getting it. Now that you have..” I trailed off.

“I thought you’d be happy for me.”

I looked up immediately, “Of course I am! I am so proud of you. You’re only twenty one and this is amazing!”

JAI

Her words sounded hollow. I couldn’t bring myself to point that out, when I felt hollow myself. This success seemed bland when it was at the cost of me leaving her.

“Come with me!” I said, turning to her.

She stared at me as though I had lost it. Maybe I had.

“Don’t be crazy. I can’t just do that.” Mira said.

“Of course you can.” I said.

“Going abroad was your dream Jai, not mine.” She said.

“No my dream was getting to work with Dovenshire. The posting abroad is just a cherry on the top. Anyway, no dream is complete without you by my side.”

“I can’t do that Jai.” She shook her head firmly.

“You won’t even consider it?” I asked her.

“No, I’m afraid I won’t. Besides my parents would never go for it.”

MIRA

“What does this mean for us then?” he asked me.

I sat silently, too scared to reply. This felt like a nightmare come to life. My reality was crashing around me as I was forced to realise what it meant.

“I guess..we’re breaking up.” I said, my voice breaking.

Jai looked away, wiping away his tears furiously.

“I can’t believe this is it.” He said finally.

“I can’t either.” I replied, the numbness taking over my body.

It only felt like yesterday when we hugged for the first time, standing in the middle of CP when we said bye. It was only yesterday when we first held hands while crossing the road. Neither brought up the fact that we needn’t have held it for the next hour straight, even when it was sweaty and hot. It was only yesterday that we had bunked school and spent the day walking around Inner Circle conspicuously in our uniforms, eating ice cream, discussing books, movies and life. It was only yesterday that Forever was well within our reach. Now it felt stupid to think it would be that easy.

JAI

I couldn’t believe it was happening. My entire reality was crashing around me. It had been since the moment I had received that email. I almost decided not to go, only to realise I would never forgive myself for letting go of something I had wanted so badly. This was a matter of my career. It was not a test that I could study for last minute because Mira and I snuck out for a movie in the middle of exams.

This was life.

Life sucked.

I looked over to her, her small frame had never looked smaller. She looked lost. How was I supposed to let her go? Having spent the better part of five years with her, I couldn’t imagine not seeing her every other day. The tears came hard and fast. I gave up trying to wipe them away.

We sat in silence, holding hands, watching the sunset on the sky and our relationship.

MIRA

We sat in silence, holding hands, watching the sunset. The darkness that came enveloped our relationship and extinguished it.

JAI

“Do you have to go?” I asked her.

She smiled at me, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She was thinking of the last time she had said it to me.

“Yes, I do. Karate class is serious business.” She said as she bundled Bela into the car.

“It’s only fair, since I left too.” I said with a pained smile.

“It was a long time ago.” She said quietly, “Everything has changed.”

“Has it?” I asked her.

MIRA

He was smiling but his head was tilted. I amended my answer, “Not everything.” I paused, “But might as well call it everything.”

He smiled wistfully as he understood what I meant.

“Do you ever wonder what would have happened had you not gone?” I asked him.

“You can read my book to find out.” He smiled.

The time to say bye was nearing. I was feeling the melancholy again.

“I um, won’t be picking and dropping Alia much. Devika will handle all school related things.” He said

“So basically I won’t be seeing too much of you?” I asked.

“You won’t.” he smiled sadly, “It’s best that way.”

I nodded, “Yes, it is.”

JAI

“Are you happy?” she asked me.

I stared at the sky for a moment, before replying. The colors were rapidly changing. It would be dark soon. The sun would set on us again. It almost felt like déjà vu.

“I thought I was as happy as one could be, but then I ran into you.” I answered, as honestly as I could.

She nodded and smiled sadly. She could make even sadness look beautiful on her.

“I’ll take your leave then.” She said.

“I’ll see you around.” I said as I hugged her.

MIRA

I felt myself melt into him, our bodies still fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle. He rested his face on my shoulder like he used to whenever we met after a long time, burying it in my hair. He inhaled and I shivered despite the warmth of his embrace. Some things never change.

JAI

I couldn’t help but smell her hair as I buried my face in, resting it on her shoulder like I always did. She still smelled the same. Who said we couldn’t time travel? A single whiff of her and I felt like a heady fifteen year old, young and in love. Some things never change.

MIRA

I forced myself to draw back since Bela was watching. He smiled at me and said bye to Bela. I watched him walk away, yet again till he was just a silhouette in the setting Sun. I had decided to not tell him that the last time I had come to CP was the day I said bye to him. I couldn’t bear to come here without him. This place was ours. We would always have CP.

JAI

I ended up not telling her, as I walked away, that I never came here with anyone else. It was a place just for us. The start and end to our story each time. We would always have CP.

A few weeks later Bela brought home a manuscript for Mira to read. The note on the folder read :

To Mira,

I got the book deal, so here’s the original manuscript.
Hope this answers your question.

Love,

Your favorite author

And as she flipped the pages, her eyes fell on the dedication- one line that made Mira smile and hold the folder close to her heart.

“To first love and other such magic.”

Self Reflective Essay

Having enrolled myself in the course for Literary Art and Creative Writing, taking on Ways of Reading seemed like an easier and simpler version of the same. From the very first class I was made to realise how wrong I was. We have never examined texts in our CDE class the way we have in WoR and that has made all the difference to the writer in me.

Ways of Reading has been a life changing experience for me because it has truly taught different ways of reading.  I already knew that I would have to write consciously. But while I focused on what I want to say in my CDE class, WoR allowed me to explore my options on how I could go about saying it.

Writing poetry was something I always categorized as out of my reach. I would often laugh and claim that it was beyond my understanding. Looking at the work by Aditi Rao and Carol Anne Duffy, delving into the work of Alice Yousef and Elizabeth Bishop, I realised that even though I may not be able to write great poetry, I would at least always be able to read and appreciate it the way it deserves to be. And that comes with knowing what goes into the crafting of every bit of poetry. From line gaps to punctuations and their lack thereof, everything is a conscious decision made as a step in the direction of a desired effect.

My relationship with the graphic novel wasn’t a deep one since I’m not very attached to that style, but I liked being to explore it in person. It allowed me to realise how creative one can actually be even as a reader. Reading a graphic story to the background score of a dripping faucet and a bouncing ball made for an experience that is a hundred percent unique to me.

With the novel, God of Small Things, I found myself thoroughly immersed. Having not read any of Arundhati Roy’s work before, I found myself completely in love with her writing style, and having discussed craft elements seriously, I could appreciate it for the literary masterpiece it truly was. Somehow, I also found myself struggling with my own voice. With so many beautiful, clear and confident voices of those who I was reading, I found myself wanting to incorporate them all into my work and found myself struggling to toe the line between taking inspiration from them and trying to copy them.

This chaos came forth in my work for CDE and I had to remind myself that I was not, in fact, Arundhati Roy, not could I write about Ayemenem or Ammu or Orangedrinklemondrink Man. I tried to ape the family dynamic these characters had in places, while in others I tried to let the city become a character in itself, much like Ayemenem is. It took conscious effort to stop that from happening, especially since the execution was shabby since it wasn’t exactly original or my own.

I have always been interested in writing about children as characters, without going down the Enid Blyton path. Roy's characterisation of Estha and Rahel with their voices as children taught me a lot on how to effectively create the voice of a child and how to think like one, when need be.

Apart from that, I learned not only the impact of giving a voice to someone, but also what effect it creates when that voice isn’t given. For instance, in the book we bearly delve into the psyche of Velutha. The effect that creates is something a writer has to be conscious of.

I was very tempted by the prompt that asked us to write the missing chapter of her book. I wanted to write about Velutha, a couple of events from his point of view entirely. But the longer I spent trying to write it, the more I realised how perfect that piece of work was and how there was nothing more I could say to make it better. Despite the missing insight into Velutha’s head, it was still perfect. Anything I tried would have just messed it up. It was complete in it’s own right.

So even though I know I cannot be Arundhati Roy, I know I have a figure of inspiration to look at least. I can only hope to write a piece of work like hers someday- one that is perfect in it’s own right.

With this course, I developed a deeper appreciation for all the art forms. Despite being a writer I had never realised how much exactly goes into everything that creates the work you’re reading. The entire production goes into creating a certain effect and has a particular texture and flavour, like the signature of the artist. And every artist’s signature is their very own. You can be influenced by others but your work always has to come from you- from within. I can only hope that with time I will be able to carry on my appreciation for poetry and writing forward and eventually develop a voice of my own.